Tonight I went on, what I assume most girls would think is, "The Perfect Date". He brought me flowers, with lots of greenery (I love greenery) and no scent (I don't like smelly flowers). He made a reservation at a semi-pricey Meditteranean restaraunt. He rented a movie I mentioned once I wanted to see but could never get my hands on. He gave me a killer massage. He left at a reasonable hour, because I was tired and I've had a headache for four days straight. He gave me a hug and a little kiss on the forehead.
And then, one hour later I was at the club, trying to dance away the memory of the entire event.
And why would I do that? He's a nice guy, probably the nicest guy one could ever know.
Let me tell you why, I'll list the reasons why.
1) I work with him. Tomorrow.
2) I don't like Meditteranean food.
3) I don't like guys forking out a busload of cash for me to not eat.
4) When I go on a date, I don't want to sit on my couch watching a movie. That's not a date.
5) I just left a guy who also gives a killer massage.
6) He smoked a cigar and left the end in my ashtray. Ew.
7) I don't like hugging people. Never have. Don't like giving 'em, don't like getting 'em.
8) I don't like him enough for him to be putting his lips anywhere on my body. Even my forehead.
9) He's very-much obese, and I'm very-much short. If I fell in love and had a kid with him, it would get his fat gene and my short gene and I think that's cruel.
10) I'm shallow and don't like dating fat people. Or even looking at them. No offense.
11) He's too nice and I'm too bitchy-I'll chew him up and spit him out and dance on his remains.
12) I DO NOT LIKE HIM!
13) I don't want to even get involved with any guy at all right now. At all. Not until I leave this dumpy town.

And there you have it! Thirteen reasons why "The Perfect Date" was not my idea of perfect. I suppose, in his defense, he's never been on a date before and was probably getting tips from his mom. Shit. I'm going to end up breaking his dear little virgin-heart before it can even fall for me-'cause there's no way I'm believing he's (in any way, shape or form) in love with me.

Fuck. Tomorrow is gonna be awkward. Five awkward hours at work is the last thing I want.
I probably should have gotten drunk tonight-it's hard to dance away a memory.

Well, my best friend had her little baby firl(at last-ten days overdue, they induced her twice). That was two weeks ago and I haven't heard a word from her since. It's lonely, being left behind like that.

My landlord who I was "involved with" for my first month here has a new girlfriend. Didn't even tell me. Once night we're "watching movies" the next night, they're "watching movies." That's pretty lonely too.

And to top it all off! *drumroll* Insomnia! For four nights I've not been sleeping~ Two nights-not a wink, one night-five hours, and one night-not a wink. I did manage a three hour nap today though-so proud of myself!

I wish I could really enjoy myself, enjoy life, but there isn't a single aspect of my life that I can say I'm glad is the way it is. And I need some inspiration-too tired to find that place inside of me where my stories are lurking.

And it's Saturday night! I'm at home! Alone! Posting a journal entry! Thank you, parents, for raising me in the town that has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in Canada! There's nobody to go out with!

I think it's time for me to get out of this freakin' town.

Had to get rid of last journal entry. Didn't want to read it again and again. .I don't really have anything to write about.

I'm broke. Christmas is so commercial and material. It sucks. I want to become Jew and not celebrate Christmas anymore. Hannukah sounds like fun, doesn't it?

It's cold outside, which isn't strange for mid-October. The wind is howling past everything and it sounds amazingly angry for 3:30 in the morning. But the click-clack of the keys as I type and the almost inaudible tick of the mouse as I move to this page-my destination-are drowning out the wind, and the beating of my sad heart as well. Tonight I got a note and I felt it had to be posted here-where else does one spill their soul? While it is an annoyingly short note, it has a certain punch, and a defining kick that perhaps isn't only meant to be dealt to me. Anywyas, here is what the note says.

"This is what you're going to do. You're going to move-out of your parents house and, eventually far away. You probably won't see your family all together again. You will always struggle to make ends meet. You'll work your days away and wrie away the evenings. You'll be cold, both in your skin and in your heart.
You will always be along and you'll regret every day of your life that passes by, unrecognized and lost in the files of the days everyone else is living at the same time.
But maybe you'll do something good for someone, something small-and you'll both remember it and smile as you breath your last. And no matter what you've done and left undone in you life, you will die a happy person-with all your mistakes forgotten by you but remembered by the world."

Even though I don't want to read or hear those words, I can't deny the possibily of truth in them. And while I wish I could say the note came from a best friend, a worst enemy or an unknown, but caring, stranger-it didn't. The note came from myself, from a place deep inside myself that awakens only occassionally when I'm overdue for an epiphany or need a swift kick in the but to stop me from giving up. I don't know if I control that part of me, or if it possibly is the part of me that believes in God, but I hate it. It's cruel, unrelenting and unwelcome. At the same time, how can I not love it? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and that part of me is the part that really defines me-though I couldn't give a clear definition of myself if the world and my life depended on it.

I have lost my faith in the world! Not only do stupid conservatives get voted into office again and again and again-but I live in a whole house of conservative-sympathizers! At least, that's what I call them.
And, I haven't been able to find a good book to read in ages! They just suddenly all seem to suck. So I'm re-re-re-re-re-reading my personal library. And, no good movies either! W. sucked. . .Tinkerbell sucked, Zombie Strippers sucked. . .Journey to the Center of the Earth sucked. . .So I'm re-re-watching my House seasons. And now that I've finally been able to find both my camera and the usb hookup for it at the same time, I think I can start piling the building blocks of faith back up.

A warning: 2012 and 2013 are gonna be bad years.